There are friendships that are supposed to be understanding. Friendships that last through time and space. Friendships that are so adaptable that one could be gone for a while, but when he or she returns, it is as if nothing has changed. I have this with a few friends and it really helps me sometimes. It helps me have the courage to want to travel and live in far away cities and countries. Knowing that I have that support system. But I know that friendship still needs to be worked on. And I know that I haven’t done everything that I could to keep long-distance friends close. I could blame it on my poor communication skills, or my busy schedule, but in truth, I don’t know why I don’t call more. I don’t know why I don’t write more when I should. And I’m sorry.
I suppose I’ve always had my head up in the clouds. I’ve never had a firm grasp on reality, and no this doesn’t mean I’m crazy. I suppose it just means that I’m okay with the present. I’m fine with wherever I am.
Let me try to clarify. The present is life in the moment. It’s me breathing, thinking, moving, and doing. The present is what I focus on, and to me, it feels the same as the moment before. Perpetual present time. I don’t think much of the future, and I don’t consider how much time has passed. A week could have gone by without me speaking to my sister for example, and I’m okay with this because I still clearly remember our last conversation, it still occupies my present mind. When I start to miss her, I will call her to reaffirm her voice, her personality, her character, and in this way I can visualize her in my mind as I live day to day and I’m fine.
I feel like I don’t need to talk to my loved ones each day because I keep them with me in my heart, day to day, moment to moment. So I’m fine.
But lately I’ve come to realize that although I’m fine, my friends might not be fine with this. That they may need more than just the few phone calls or visits home and I didn’t realize this until now. And I’m so sorry. I’m not sure if I will call more because it’s not in my nature. I’ve always been okay with me. When I was a child, and I lacked a playmate I was okay with me and my books, my imagination. My imagination became my comfort and escape, and I rely on it too much. I will try to live more in reality. I will try to improve my communication. I suppose this should have been my New Year’s Resolution.
But to all my long-time, long-distance friends who might feel neglected, I’m so so sorry. The present moment occupies my time too much I find, and I need to think in a wider scope. I need to start thinking of the tomorrow, or the present moment for others. Otherwise I feel like I may be only half living. A large part of life is friendship and I don’t want to lose my friendships. I love the friendships I am in.
I apologize, dear audience if this post is confusing. It was mainly me trying to figure stuff out with words. But I suppose my advice to you is to try. Don’t let those special friendships fail, and don’t underestimate or forget about the dangers of time. It changes things. It changes mentality, and atmosphere, and opinion, which can be dangerous as well as wonderful.