I want to cut open my chest, rip out my heart, and stuff it in the freezer. Because I’m tired. I’m so tired of having non-reciprocating feelings. In my experience it is probably the absolute worst thing that can ever happen to a person.
Came home feeling like my emotions didn’t belong to me. They were out of control, and I couldn’t help but muck around in the past. On my walk home, I just couldn’t help myself; I began to think back to every one of those moments that you wish could have gone differently. Shocker, I’m not always such a positive person. Shocker two, I also am a little jaded. So I came home and really wanted to wallow some more. I wanted to curl up in bed and just cry a little; because sometimes the best form of release are the tears. The best thing was that I was home alone, and could drown in self-pity without the possibility of actually talking about what was wrong with me.
I allowed myself a small sympathy party while I cleaned my room. It was literally small tears running down my checks while folding laundry, but hey, why can’t I be productive and weepy at the same time? After that I decided to cut the crap, and cheer myself up. And it worked! Here are my tips for self-“get over it and suck it up”-help:
1) Food. And I mean good food; not junk food like ice cream, cookies, or chocolate. That stuffs got emotional weight attached to it. Its the typical “break up, miserable” food. I made stew with sweet potatoes, and crushed tomatoes over rice. Nice and spicy, cooking was very therapeutic.
2) Movie. A beautiful method to literally forget about reality for a bit. Cheryl’s father (she’s a best friend) once told me that the reason why Bollywood movies were so long and cheery, was because it allowed for the not so well-off population to have a break from the stress and hardship of their daily lives. I decided to watch “Accepted,” an awesome movie about going against the system, being yourself, and following your dreams. It was super inspiring and got me laughing. I forgot my crippling emotions, and even felt my heart coming back to me. At least a little bit of it.
3) A shower. Water has always had the symbolic message of renewal, cleansing oneself of dirt (or emotional negativity). The best part about showering though is the feeling of isolation; which makes for a great, guilt free singing zone. Thus, I belted out lyrics to Gotye‘s “Somebody that I used to Know,” and Aerosmith’s “Dream On.”
4) Friends. I know that there are people who I can talk to, people who love me and will be there to listen, offer words of wisdom, or just share in the wallowing. Which is exactly what me and my roommate did the day after; we wallowed together with wine. Then the self-pity turned to understanding and laughter. However, the night when I wanted to “cut open my chest, rip out my heart and stuff it in the freezer,” (words written the exact moment of emotional peak, [this blog post was written in a series of stages, I’m a a lot calmer and rational at this point than I was when I wrote that first opening paragraph. No worries]) I was home alone, and at the mercy of my weak and stupid heart.
The heart is a funny thing. What’s funnier is that it is associated to emotion and feeling, when it’s proven that the brain is what causes us to feel. (I disagree, I think it’s the soul that does this, but this is just my romantic opinion) Emotion can be a powerful weapon of creativity. Think, Picasso’s “Blue period,” or Adele’s music; inspired by breakup and hurt. It’s hard not to let our emotions cripple us. It’s so easy to just curl up in a nice, safe, fetal position and just let life continue without you. But that’s not fair to us.
The world keeps spinning; the sun will always rise in the east, and set in the west. Change and time is untouchable, infallible, and unstoppable. What’s to say that tomorrow won’t be better than today? It’s okay to let yourself have a moment of weakness, but it shouldn’t stop us from enjoying the next day, and all the brand new possibilities promised by life’s many changes.
So I’m okay now dear audience. The best part of falling down, is realizing that you’re strong enough to pick yourself back up.