So I am stuck in summer school for a couple more weeks, and it is crunch time. There are no more days I can spend enjoying the sun, putting off the final essay with the notion that I still have so many hours to write it. Nope. I have three days, full-time work, and 6 more pages to write. Not too bad, 6 pages is definitely less than the 20 I had to write earlier this year, but earlier this year the sun was not shinning as brightly. Earlier this year it was chilly, and you actually preferred to be in doors.
All I want to do is run outside and play in a field of flowers and trees. Perhaps visit the beach, perhaps sit on an outdoor patio and sip a nice cool class of red wine sangria. It is hard to stay put and write. What I realize however, is part of this difficulty to concentrate and finish the paper, is the uncomfortable loneliness I feel. It is irrational. Yet whenever I am alone, I find myself craving the company of others. This isn’t good.
Why? There’s is a fear that I will never be comfortable being just me. I will never be able to be productive and work on my book if I constantly feel as though I should be running outside in fields with the company of others. There is a balance, again, and I have not obtained it. A friend of mine is perfectly constant to curl on the couch, and read with the bright sun streaming through the windows. I too love to relax with a book in my hands but that beautiful sun, and the notion that I am young, and need to enjoy life before I die keeps me from reading and writing. Instead I mope and wander.
So what do I do? What is keeping me from being okay with being alone? I feel as though it could be as simple as wanting to enjoy the summer, to as complicated as being afraid of not living life to the fullest because I feel as though my life will be incredibly short. Already 2013 is half over, and I can still re-live the happy New Year cheers back in January, as if it were moments ago.
How do we deal with time slipping away? A friend told me to simply not think about it. Time is relevant, and if it weren’t divided into hours, weeks, years, we wouldn’t be bothered by it. Is this true?