I graduated university in June. Five years of my life, where I was directed towards a specific goal has culminated. And I think it is finally starting to hit me. These past couple weeks I have found my throat tightening significantly. I build these worries in my mind, and they became crippling. I create a worry then shove it down. Created another than shoved it down. After a while I couldn’t stand it and had a night of tears.
The next morning I awoke feeling lighter.
Lately it’s been hard for me to write. I gave myself a deadline, was working well within it, then the stress and worry stayed my hand and I let the deadline pass without finishing my story. The idea is there, the words are churning, I just couldn’t bring them out. I blamed work, and my social life, but I could have made time. I realize that when I let my anxieties build too high, it severely stunts my writing. Perhaps this is because writing is medicine.
When I had my little crying session… my long crying session, I wrote. I finally opened the journal I purchased back in early June and scratched some words on the page. And it felt good. The writing grew sloppy the more I investigated my worries and why I was crying. I felt as though I was transferring the weight in my heart to the page and it was effortless. The physical act of scrawling words calmed me down. After ten minutes the tears dried up.
I will never show my words to anyone. They will stayed buried deep writing the pages of this journal, probably to be buried once I’ve filled it. But it doesn’t matter, the writing is mine, and it is for me and it was the purest word crafting I have done in a while.
I am trying to come back now. I worked on my short story today. Nothing major, just a few paragraphs. But it is more than I had yesterday.
P.S. Here’s a great, short, youtube video about worrying, and how not to worry. A great perspective.